You Don't Need Glasses to See My Problem

Last week, I found out that Puck had misplaced his glasses.  They'd been missing for about two weeks.  

I like to think that a normal co-parenting relationship where both parents have a interest in the kids would have gone like this:

1. Child loses his glasses. 
2. Child comes home and tells the parent who has custody immediately that his glasses have been misplaced. 
3. Custodial parent tells non-custodial parent. They come up with a game plan. 
4. Parents confer with the teacher, perform a search of homes and relevant areas of school. 
5. If glasses are not found as a result of number 4 (and it's more likely they would be as the time between the loss and the search is limited) - the primary caregiver replaces the glasses and provides the receipt to the other parent - who immediately pays his half. 

It's Time to Reframe - Coparenting without Micromanagement

I posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that the Goblin King has suggested that we keep a "food diary" for the children.  Thought I'd take today to explain as I had a few questions about how it came about.

Last September Puck had a visit with his pediatrician.  During the course of the visit, he was measured and weighed, and it came out that his height had increased only 4.6% - but his weight had increased 12.3% since his last visit only nine months before (Puck has regular visits with the pediatrician because of his asthma).  We reviewed his BMI, and it came in at the "at risk" range (there's a BMI calculator for children on the CDC website in case you're interested).  

Learning to Let it Go

This morning, I am frustrated.

Can I blame the Goblin King?  Yes.

But truly, who's at fault?

Me.

I am the cause of my own frustration.  Because I'm not able to release my anger.  I know what he's like.  I know that he'll never change.  And I need to learn acceptance.  Because otherwise I end up feeling stressed.  And there's nothing I can do about it.  He's not going to change, no matter how many e-mails I send.  I was supposed to have accepted that when we stopped visiting the Parenting Coordinator.  That's why we stopped going.

Who Fills Your Bucket?

A few days ago, Flower's preschool had a tea in advance of Mother's Day.  One of the boys there, in Flower's class, I had just learned was destined to "marry" Flower (according to his mother).  I was a bit surprised.  I was aware that she's played with this particular little boy - as her father seems to have developed some sort of friendship of sorts with the boy's mother (who is also recently divorced).  But I wasn't aware of the marriage proposal.

So I asked Flower about it.  She laughed and said I was being silly, she's not getting married. 

Co-Parenting and Medical Care through Post Divorce Conflict

I've been ruminating on a blog on this particular topic for some time.  This is a very sensitive topic for me, but I'm hoping that putting this down in writing will help me to work through it.

My ex (as I've said in the past) has some very real issues with anxiety.  I know that he struggles with them.  Along with his anxiety comes a common issue - hypochondria.  I lived with him through "cancer" scares, "heart attack" scares, and various other "scares", including mad cow disease, multiple sclerosis, SARs.  He has never had cancer, a heart attack, or any other disease.  Yet, I have absolutely no doubt that the symptoms he believes he is feeling are very real to him.

Star Wars Day!! May the Fourth Be With You

As it's Star Wars Day, I thought I might lighten it up a bit with a little humour.

The Goblin King (as you may have gathered) regularly sends e-mails that make absolutely no sense.  His command of the english language (even though it's his mother tongue) is likely limited by an undiagnosed learning disability.  Most of the time, I can get the general gist of what he's trying to say.  One day about two years ago however, the e-mail made no sense at all.  What's more, as I read it, it felt to me as though it had been written by Master Yoda's dumb brother.

Achieving Co-Operative Co-Parenting...One Small Step at a Time

A number of my blog posts over the past several weeks have touched on the issues I've been having planning summer vacation with the Goblin King.

It came to a head this weekend - his birthday falls on Mother's Day weekend this year, he decided to take the weekend off and expected that I would give up the children for Mother's Day to accommodate his last minute vacation.  And this all comes in an e-mail less than two weeks before the day.  And (here's the kicker), unless I agreed, he would not approve the vacation schedule.

Co-Parenting with a High Conflict Ex

There's one thing that you don't really think about when you're in a high conflict marriage and you want to get out. If you have kids chances are if you do "get out" you'll still be stuck "in" because you're a parent.

Read my article about co-parenting with a high conflict ex on DivorcedMoms.com. 

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Pulling Teeth: More Adventures in Vacation Planning with the Goblin King

You'll all recall that about three weeks ago now, I wrote a blog about trying to settle the children's summer vacation with the Goblin King.  As you all know how cooperative he is, of course that went extremely well and we have the vacation done and settled.

Yeah.  Right.  Had you there for a minute, didn't I?

Co-Parenting Communication Issues: Listen to Understand - Not to Respond

So...more fun with my exchange e-mail from the Goblin King today.

Puck, as you all know by now, has a learning disability.  Recently, he convinced his dad that he was sick so that he didn't have to do a math test.  (I discovered the problem and he did do the math test).  When I discussed it with the staff at the school for his IEP, they advised he was displaying other classic avoidance behaviours during class.  So, when we had the discussion, I advised that I was going to seek some other assistance in the mental health arena.

Ding Dong! My Memories Are Dead!

I've done it!!  I've finally replaced all those nasty memories in my brain with enough happy memories!! The bad ones are fading!!  It's been over six years - and I feel as though now I can officially say that I've moved on!

My wedding anniversary to my first husband is coming up next week. I saw a poster for an Easter event at our local library, and thought...hmmm...that date is familiar.  Our anniversary was on that date.  And then I thought...no, it was the day after.  And then...I wasn't completely sure.  I'm still not completely sure.  I haven't looked it up to remind myself.  I don't want to know.  I don't care.  I think it was only the first year after we split that the date stuck in my head.  And quite frankly, I celebrated with an extra glass of wine.  I didn't really dread getting through it, but the reminder that I was once married to the man who (at the time, and now for that matter) continues to give me grief over the co-parenting of our children...that was painful.

And I usually remember dates.  I can tell you when all my in-laws birthdays are still.  Mostly.  I always forget the exact date for my ex-sister-in-law, but I still know what week it is.  

Vacation Planning with the Goblin King

I had a completely different blog planned for today - but I had to share the latest from the Goblin King in today's exchange e-mail.

For those of you out of the loop, as the Goblin King cannot communicate effectively verbally, all of our communication about our young children is done by e-mail.  

The Dreaded IEP Review

The long awaited IEP review for Puck happened yesterday.  For those of you who need some review:

• Diagnosis: Dysgraphia - Struggling Against my Ex AND the System 
• Do My Children Need Therapy? A DivorcedMother's Worries 
• Nature vs. Nurture: How to combat a predisposition to mental illness when co-parenting with a narcissist  

Now that you're caught up, the school called about a week ago and asked if it was "OK" to have the annual review together with The Goblin King.  I had, of course, anticipated this would be an issue, and already told them that my husband would be joining me (he's my muscle for these types of meetings).  I reminded them in the phone call that my husband would be joining me, and if it was OK with the Goblin King, it was OK with me.  (It's not really, it's never productive, but I don't want to look like the one who isn't trying).  Building up to the meeting, my husband and I had a strategy session that basically went like this - as soon as the Goblin King acts up, we request to have the meeting alone with just the "adults" present.

5 Tips on How to Cope With High Conflict Co-Parenting

I know a number of very lucky women who after divorcing or leaving their child's father, either had him drop off the face of the planet, or who have a wonderful post-divorce relationship with their ex.  Both groups are able to parent their children both with the same goal - ensuring that their children grown and develop into fully functional adults without the baggage from their parent's divorce ruling their lives.

The women in the first category may have a difficult time of it - money worries likely being one of the most important outcomes.  However, those are the lucky women who get to make all the decisions without interference.  Of course, they also have to take on all the consequences - but if done right, these women can mould fully functional adults without the pressure of a difficult co-parenting relationship.

Liar, Liar Part Two - Extended Edition

I hope at least some of you will recall the story I set out in my blog a couple of weeks ago - Liar, Liar - More Tales on Co-parenting with a Narcissist.  I described how my ex forgot about a school holiday and forgot to pick up the children.  I described how I texted him, and as I had nothing on for the day, agreed to wait at home until he came to pick them up.  I also described how he lied, suggested that his car wasn't working, and then it magically worked when I said I wouldn't drive them to his.

What I didn't mention in the last blog was that I got a subsequent e-mail, after the event, suggesting that it wasn't his fault, his car really wasn't working.  Which would suggest that he knew about 45 minutes before he was to pick the children up that he knew he wouldn't make it on time.  And that he didn't text or call or anything until after I texted him at 9 am.  A full 45 minutes after he was supposed to arrive.  So to be clear - he's not a liar.  His car really wasn't working.  No.  He's not a liar.  He didn't forget.  He's just an asshole, because he didn't let me know, and left his kids (and me) sitting for an extra hour and a half.  With no phone call.  Yes.  That's the better story.

Ignorance is not Bliss: How Do You Teach Someone Who Cannot Learn?

I've said before that my eldest son, Puck, has a learning disability.  And my headline might be a little misleading in this regard.  My son can learn.  And given the right environment, with some accomodation, he actually learns very well.

The person who doesn't learn is his father.  He hasn't learned that negative feedback to a child with learning disabilities just lowers their confidence.  He hasn't learned that he is fairly consistently the source of negative feedback to my son.  

The Lowest Point of my Divorce

For today, I thought I would share with you the lowest point of my divorce.  My daughter was about three months old, I'd left my ex when I was six months pregnant.  He was at the hospital when she was born and I'd done my best to keep him involved with her, although I was breastfeeding at the time, so it was difficult.  But even with the difficulties we were having, I allowed him in my home to spend time alone with her, we'd go for walks to the park with both children and to get groceries.  We even went to the fair together.  I made it clear that my sole interest was ensuring he spend time with both of our children, and stood back on some of these occasions to let him take the lead (lest he think it was some kind of opportunity to rekindle the relationship).  

Waiting for the Piano Plane

Does you have a crazy making ex?  Do you have fantasies about fate removing him or her from the picture forever?

In my house, we call it waiting for the piano plane.

Read my article at DivorcedMoms.com.

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"Why Can't You Live with Daddy?" and Other Questions with Impossible Answers

Sometimes I wonder if I try a little too hard to keep my children from the conflict between myself and their father.  Our little family was broken for a long time, and it continues to be so.  It's very difficult to deal with someone who has so many mental health issues in general, let alone co-parent with them.  Especially when they continue to be undiagnosed and untreated.  But I do my best to keep the children from the conflicts between myself and their father.  

My six year old little Flower, when I'm putting her down to sleep, occasionally still asks "Why can't you live with Daddy?"

Oh...such a loaded question.  With such an adult answer.  How do you reply?

8 Things I Learned from My Divorce

Getting a divorce means closing a chapter of your old life and starting a new one.  It doesn't mean completely closing the door and forgetting about the past - it means learning from it and becoming a stronger person because of it.

Read the full article on DivorcedMoms.com

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