Codependency and Enabling Behavior Doesn't End with Divorce

When I was married to my ex, for my own survival, it was sometimes necessary to "bend" the truth. I'm not proud of it - I don't condone lying in my home and I try to promote honesty in my children. However - sometimes - to avoid an inevitable reaction from my ex and protect myself, I would lie or conceal the truth.

If he was working I a weekend, I either wouldn't make plans until after he left, or I wouldn't tell him about them. Not that I was doing anything that merited any interest. Usually it was just shopping or heading up to my mom's.

He'd ask about ingredients in our son's food.  Not from an educated - this is bad for my son standpoint, but from an OCD, panic, I read this in an online magazine standpoint.  I would lie about the ingredients to placate him.  Or I'd feed our son the stuff he was worried about when he wasn't home.

All coping behaviors.  Designed to protect myself (and our son) from increasing amounts of bullying.  If I didn't - I would face an onslaught of yelling and demeaning remarks.

Co-Parenting Communication Issues: Listen to Understand - Not to Respond

So...more fun with my exchange e-mail from the Goblin King today.

Puck, as you all know by now, has a learning disability.  Recently, he convinced his dad that he was sick so that he didn't have to do a math test.  (I discovered the problem and he did do the math test).  When I discussed it with the staff at the school for his IEP, they advised he was displaying other classic avoidance behaviours during class.  So, when we had the discussion, I advised that I was going to seek some other assistance in the mental health arena.

5 Tips on How to Cope With High Conflict Co-Parenting

I know a number of very lucky women who after divorcing or leaving their child's father, either had him drop off the face of the planet, or who have a wonderful post-divorce relationship with their ex.  Both groups are able to parent their children both with the same goal - ensuring that their children grown and develop into fully functional adults without the baggage from their parent's divorce ruling their lives.

The women in the first category may have a difficult time of it - money worries likely being one of the most important outcomes.  However, those are the lucky women who get to make all the decisions without interference.  Of course, they also have to take on all the consequences - but if done right, these women can mould fully functional adults without the pressure of a difficult co-parenting relationship.

Not all wounds are visible: Insights into marriage with a narcissist

Today I read a Facebook post on the page  "After Narcissist Abuse - There is Light, Life and Love".  It was a list of the things that narcissists do.  It suggested that "when you leave, he'll invent stories about you."  It rang true with me.  But the narcissist in my life started inventing those stories long before I left.  For years and years.  He'd blame me for whatever problem he felt wasn't his fault.  Because it never, ever was his fault.  

"Why Can't You Live with Daddy?" and Other Questions with Impossible Answers

Sometimes I wonder if I try a little too hard to keep my children from the conflict between myself and their father.  Our little family was broken for a long time, and it continues to be so.  It's very difficult to deal with someone who has so many mental health issues in general, let alone co-parent with them.  Especially when they continue to be undiagnosed and untreated.  But I do my best to keep the children from the conflicts between myself and their father.  

My six year old little Flower, when I'm putting her down to sleep, occasionally still asks "Why can't you live with Daddy?"

Oh...such a loaded question.  With such an adult answer.  How do you reply?

Follow Your Own Path

Okay.  Deep breath time.  I've just packed the kids off to school and back to their father's for a few days.  I have not divulged thus far too much about my ex.  This blog is supposed to be about helping me to work through my issues, and to give you some inspiration to keep positive about life.  I strive very hard to do that - not only for myself, but also for my children.  My mantra has to be joy.  I have so many reasons to be joyful - my children - two by my ex, one by my life love.  Having found my true other half.  Being alive and breathing.