Codependency and Enabling Behavior Doesn't End with Divorce

When I was married to my ex, for my own survival, it was sometimes necessary to "bend" the truth. I'm not proud of it - I don't condone lying in my home and I try to promote honesty in my children. However - sometimes - to avoid an inevitable reaction from my ex and protect myself, I would lie or conceal the truth.

If he was working I a weekend, I either wouldn't make plans until after he left, or I wouldn't tell him about them. Not that I was doing anything that merited any interest. Usually it was just shopping or heading up to my mom's.

He'd ask about ingredients in our son's food.  Not from an educated - this is bad for my son standpoint, but from an OCD, panic, I read this in an online magazine standpoint.  I would lie about the ingredients to placate him.  Or I'd feed our son the stuff he was worried about when he wasn't home.

All coping behaviors.  Designed to protect myself (and our son) from increasing amounts of bullying.  If I didn't - I would face an onslaught of yelling and demeaning remarks.

Seven Ways I Knew He Was "The One"

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have learned the hard way that there are some relationships that are just...wrong.  Thankfully though, I've also discovered that there are also relationships that are just...right.

Looking back, I know there were signs in my first relationship.  Signs that I clearly ignored.  I don't know if I can prevent anyone else from learning things the same way I did, but I thought I'd make a list of how I know I'm with my perfect mate.

My Destination is No Longer Set by the Way the Wind Blows

I was struck today by a thought.  We're still renovating (painting) the new condo.  Hubs and I have been working fairly effectively together. I'm doing the middle of the walls and he's doing the detail work. We turned on some music, poured out the paint, and just got it done.  

Relationship PTSD: Revisiting the Sins of Your Ex on Your Current Relationship

One year, just before Christmas, I entered a raffle at work - and I won an X-Box, complete with a couple of games.  It was great - I was surprised - but we really didn't need an X-Box.  We had a PlayStation at home and neither the ex nor I were gamers.  The PlayStation was mostly unused.

Around the same time, my ex's brother had recently moved back in with his parents after a failed attempt at launching.  He'd moved in with his girlfriend, it didn't work out, and he ended up back at home.  We didn't know at the time, but it was the start of a difficult journey that ended in a local mental hospital, with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.  Back then though, as far as we knew, he was licking his wounds after the end of a difficult relationship.

I suggested to my ex that as we didn't need the X-Box, perhaps his brother might like it.  I thought maybe it would cheer him up a bit.  Or at the very least, it would give him something to focus on.  My ex agreed that it was a good idea.  I wrapped it, and we headed over to his parents for Christmas dinner.

Any event at my ex's parent's house was very different from anything I'd ever experienced as a child.  His mother was typically relegated to the kitchen while everyone else gathered in the living room.  As I'd been raised with some manners...and maybe a little part of me felt the need to impress my mother-in-law, I'd typically end up in the kitchen too.  

And so it was this particular year - and MIL and I missed the opening of that particular present.  I walked into the living room just as they were talking about it.  My sister-in-law commented, in a slightly snarky way, that it was too generous a gift.  I said it was no big deal, as I'd won it, and we already had a PlayStation.  My sister-in-law smirked at me, and turned to my ex with a smile on her face.  "Oh.  You won it" she said.  She smiled out of the left side of her face, similar to a certain green Seussical Christmas character.  My ex glared at me.  "Haha...very funny Liv.  You know we bought it for Andy" he said.  

Then I realized what had happened.  He'd lied.  He'd told them all that we bought this extravagent gift for his brother.  And I'd inadvertently busted him.  

It's part of the reason that dinners with his family were always very uncomfortable for me.  I would inadvertently say or do something that my ex wouldn't like, and he'd hold it against me afterwards.  It could be a big thing, like not knowing he'd lied about the X-Box.  Or a small thing, like talking about the recent firefighter calendar.  I never knew what would set him off.  But after each event, he would sneer and be passive aggressive and nasty.  Sometimes he'd yell at me.  Sometimes I'd just get the silent treatment.  Sometimes he'd tell me what it was, and sometimes not.  But the end result was I was careful with every single word I said when I was with his family.  Eventually, I was never truly myself in their presence.  And even then, it would still happen.  I couldn't even say hello to them without some sort of perceived slight from my ex.

Flash forward...and now we're divorced.  But those visits and memories remain with me.  And I revisit them on Hubs occasionally.  Not intentionally.  But when we go out with his family, sometimes I will say something and cringe.  Not because I think it was something I shouldn't have said.  But because I expect him to react that way.  Not because he's ever given me any grief for saying anything.  But because my ex treated me that way.  

The way I was "trained" to be in a relationship has led me to expect certain behaviors - and react accordingly.  As a result, I revisit the sins of my ex in my current relationship.  

I have Relationship PTSD.  

With time, it's getting better.  It's a matter of retraining my brain.  I'm learning what a "normal" relationship is like.

With each situation, my husband doesn't react the way I would have expected my ex to.  My brain still cringes, but the result isn't the same.  So the next time, even though I still cringe, I remind myself that the reaction won't be the same.  And the time after that, the cringe isn't quite as strong.

I'm out.  I'm not that person any more.  

And Hubs - he never was that person.  And he never will be.

I'll get there.  I will.

Image Credit: (edited): David Castillo Dominici / freedigitalphotos.net

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Guest Post at 4theLoveofMommy - Pass it On!

I've done a guest post at the new 4TheLoveofMommy site today.  Pop on over and take a look!

Image Credit:  (Edited) "Love Concept Background" by hyena reality / freedigitalphotos.net

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10 Things I Learned About Sex After My Divorce

In America, it's common to get married young without a lot of sexual experience. Oftentimes, people who marry young have had one to two partners prior to their spouse - and even in today's landscape, it's possible to marry your first lover.

After marriage, sex becomes vanilla.  After children arrive, you get into parenting, and lose your sense of your sexual self - and suddenly, divorce is thrust upon you and you're left wondering what  happened.

There's good news!  You are now an experienced sexual partner and in demand!  Yummy mummies, MILFs and cougars are overtaking internet searches and in high demand - and you're back on the market!

Read all about it on DivorcedMoms.com or now at The Huffington Post Divorce!

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Who Fills Your Bucket?

A few days ago, Flower's preschool had a tea in advance of Mother's Day.  One of the boys there, in Flower's class, I had just learned was destined to "marry" Flower (according to his mother).  I was a bit surprised.  I was aware that she's played with this particular little boy - as her father seems to have developed some sort of friendship of sorts with the boy's mother (who is also recently divorced).  But I wasn't aware of the marriage proposal.

So I asked Flower about it.  She laughed and said I was being silly, she's not getting married. 

Getting Your "Sexy" Back after Divorce

For most women, the decision to divorce, whether our own decision or someone else's is the proverbial rock bottom.  Our confidence takes a huge hit.  And the idea that we could ever be seen as desirable to someone else (or desire someone else for that matter) seems impossible.

But I can tell you, from experience, that it is possible to get your sexy back.

Read my article on DivorcedMoms.com.

Why I'm jealous of my husband's ex-wife (and it's not the reason you think)

Like me, my husband married his ex-wife when he wasn't fully cooked.  He'd had a LOT more experience than I ever had in the area of romance.  He married a woman who is incredibly intelligent, talented and beautiful.  A lot, you'd think, for me, his second wife (and third significant relationship) to live up to.

But despite the fact that she is an incredible, well-travelled, and all around smart woman, I am not concerned when my husband sends her e-mails asking for advice or offering it, or spends a couple of hours a month talking to her on the phone.  I am unconcerned that they go out of their way to have coffee or lunch together if they happen to be in the city at the same time.  Even though he tells me how incredibly smart she is all the time.  Even though I've never actually met her.

Avoiding Financial Pitfalls in a New Relationship

One of the failings of my first marriage was our approach (or rather lack thereof) to managing money.  I admit freely that I did not have a mature understanding of budgeting, and my ex, although he was much older than I, had learned to manage money by using his bank account until the money was gone, and then using the bank's money.

So, when my husband and I joined our two households, we were both very conscious of former relationships that hadn't worked out in part because of financial difficulties.  As we were exploring the idea of joining our two households, as a first step, I bought my husband the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach.  In the years after leaving my ex, I'd read a number of books about financial mangement including a number of books by David Bach, who has a very common sense approach to managing money.  I wanted to start my relationship with my new partner on a very strong foundation, and ensure that we were both working together with a common approach to financial management.

Many marriages fail because of inequities in income, failure to set and strive for common financial goals, lack of awareness of where the money goes, unequal division of financial chores.  Both of us had to some extent experienced those issues with former partners - and were determined not to enter our new relationship with the same old baggage.  Using some of the ideas David Bach suggests, we determined five simple ways to achieve that goal.  

The Divorce Whisperer: Have You Become "That' Girl?

Have you become a divorce mentor?  Not an official one, with a shingle.  I mean unintentionally - did you become someone that it seems that everyone who is contemplating/going through a divorce feels the need to speak to?  Sort of like the Divorce Yoda..."The divorce is strong with this one".   Or the Divorce Whisperer.