Sometimes I Wonder

My son was just over two when I left, and my daughter wasn't even born yet. I knew at the time that it was the best thing - and I still do.  However, the problem with leaving a situation like that when your children are too young to have formed any lasting memories is they get ideas.

I'm very, very careful to keep them as far from the conflict between their father and I as possible.  They have very little exposure to any animosity between my ex and myself.  And as a consequence, they simply don't understand why we can't live together.

Sunday Confession: This Blog is My Space

One of my favorite bloggers at More Than Cheese and Beer has several regular features.  Every Friday, I read her Friday Feats and Fails and say darn it, this Friday, yet again, I didn't join in the fun. At More than Cheese and Beer, the fails always come first. The things she isn't so proud of doing this week.  Then she posts her feats.  An incredible list of amazing things that totally makes up for the activities in the first part of her blog.

My fail this week?  It's Sunday, not Friday.   

But my feat?  It's the day for Sunday Confessions.  And of the two, although I enjoy cheese and beer on Fridays - I LOVE it on Sundays.

This week's Sunday Confession writing prompt is:  SPACE.

My Mom's Divorce Diary

My parents divorced when I was fourteen.  I must admit - I was completely surprised - even though I lived in the house at the time.  My younger sister had a little more awareness.  I suspect it has something to do with entering the teenage years and the world revolving around me...

We didn't know a lot of people who were divorced.  There was a boy in my school who's parents had gotten divorced.  I remember the other kids didn't know how to deal with it.  There were a lot of whispers about him.  

And really - I thought my parents were happy.  It wasn't until I divorced that I talked to my mom about it.  She'd been unhappy for quite some time.  Kept a suitcase in her car for months.  And I had no idea.  We lived together.  And I had no idea.

Look Who's (Not) Talking?

Bae's not talking. 

Not in the sense that he's got a secret.

He's just not talking.  Hasn't said his first word yet.

He just passed the big "1".  And (so the books say), he should be saying at least three words by now.  They don't have to be clear.  But they should be there.

And they're not.

Lessons Learned: How Divorce Changed Me - Guest Post

You may recall earlier this month I did a blog review on some of my new favourite Mommy Bloggers.  If you missed it, look here:  Blogger Reviews Part Deux - Mommy Bloggers!   Jessica Terry from 4 the Love of Mommy has graciously agreed to write a guest post for today's blog.

I am sure that if I look back at my first marriage that the warning signs were probably there. Before the kids came, before we ever walked down the aisle, I am sure if I looked hard enough, they were there.

Hey Jimmy Fallon - Can You Teach Kids Some Manners?

For regular watchers of the Jimmy Fallon show, you might be familiar with his "Thank You Notes".  With the "Thank You Notes" music playing in the background, Jimmy thanks people, places, things, etc - for being special in some way.  They're his funny take on a list of things that he's thankful for...but they're the subject of my blog today.  

Single Mom? Or SuperMom?

Have you ever wondered what the job description for a single mother would look like?  Do you think you'd have applied for the job if you'd read the job description first?

Take a look at my SuperMom Job Description at DivorcedMoms.com.

Image Credit:  [indigopixies.com]

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Cutting the Umbilical Cord - First Day of Preschool

A mother needs to be needed.  When you have young children, as much as sometimes you want to just have a moment alone - even if it's just to use the washroom, your children need you all the time.  They need you to feed them.  They need you to wash them.  They need you to change their clothes and their diapers.  They need you to play with them.  They need you to watch them play.  They need you to wipe their nose, and other things.  They need you to keep them safe.  

The Dreaded IEP Review

The long awaited IEP review for Puck happened yesterday.  For those of you who need some review:

• Diagnosis: Dysgraphia - Struggling Against my Ex AND the System 
• Do My Children Need Therapy? A DivorcedMother's Worries 
• Nature vs. Nurture: How to combat a predisposition to mental illness when co-parenting with a narcissist  

Now that you're caught up, the school called about a week ago and asked if it was "OK" to have the annual review together with The Goblin King.  I had, of course, anticipated this would be an issue, and already told them that my husband would be joining me (he's my muscle for these types of meetings).  I reminded them in the phone call that my husband would be joining me, and if it was OK with the Goblin King, it was OK with me.  (It's not really, it's never productive, but I don't want to look like the one who isn't trying).  Building up to the meeting, my husband and I had a strategy session that basically went like this - as soon as the Goblin King acts up, we request to have the meeting alone with just the "adults" present.

On Losing a Family Member

When my husband and I were dating, I met his kids well before he “met” mine.  He had joint custody of two gorgeous dogs – Montana, a full Rottweiler, and Apollo, a German Shepard Rottweiler mix.  Montana was about eight at the time, and Apollo was about eleven.  I say “about” because we’re not quite sure how old Apollo is.  When my husband rescued him, just after his first marriage, he had been living on the streets for a while and was a little rough.  And at about 100 pounds, I’m sure that Apollo was quite intimidating.   My husband is an “alpha” though, and Apollo accepted him as part of his pack. They have a very pure bond - one that I have never witnessed before, and admire a great deal.

I wasn’t around when Montana was introduced to the pack.  My husband and the woman that he was living with at the time got her as a puppy.  I gather Apollo was rather hard on her – and I know from experience she is quite a spirited dog.  Perhaps because she was a puppy, or maybe because she was pushing in on his territory (my husband), Apollo had no problem playing rough with her, and teaching her the ropes the hard way.  

Guilty Confession: Don't Tell Anyone, but My Kids Know How to Sleep

I have three children under ten and I have a guilty confession.  Aside from the first three months of each of my children's lives, I have pretty much been able to get a full nights sleep every night almost without exception.  

My youngest, now eight months old, has been sleeping 8-12 hours straight a night since he was two months old.  And he should be.  He's a growing boy.  His sleep cycles were set early.  My husband worked hard to ensure that he got his circadian rhythms set as soon as his belly was big enough for him to sleep through.

Acyrologia - A New Diagnosis for My Ex

I've written in past blog spots about the myriad of issues my ex-husband has been diagnosed with, and the others that he likely suffers from even though he hasn't been diagnosed.

Until today, I haven't mentioned the one that irritates me the most.

You'd think it would be the frequent hand washing due to his issues with germaphobia (and OCD).  Or maybe his inability to tell right from wrong (resulting from his narcissistic tendencies) and his frequent issues with truth telling.

How Do You Make Report Card Day Positive for a Child with Learning Disabilities?

Living with a learning disability means that report card day has been very difficult in the past.  I think my son dreaded the report card almost as much as I did.  Because the school insists that you go over the report card with your child.  Which I totally understand.  But when most of the feedback can be seen as negative (and his teacher last year was pretty negative), it's really hard to keep positive and learn from it.

My son, despite his learning problems, is a perfectionist.  He has a lot of difficulty accepting the fact that he's not perfect.  And even more difficulty accepting that because of his learning disability, he may never be able to achieve the "perfection" he's striving for.

Liar, Liar - More Tales About Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Sometimes, it's just easier to play into a narcissist's lies.  I'll admit it.  I'm guilty of it on more than one occasion.  If I was dealing with a "normal" co-parent (and by that I mean someone who had all the marbles in the right place), we could have a free exchange of information about the children, their lives, and the custody exchange.

But I'm not dealing with a "normal" co-parent.  So, sometimes, I have to play the game.  Or maybe "have to" isn't the right words.  Sometimes, it's just easier to play the game.  In some cases it works in my favour.

The Purple Crayon - Encouraging Creativity in your Children

I've always been a fairly creative person.  It's part of the reason I enjoy writing so much.  But, as an adult, I do realize that there are some creative enterprises that you just can't undertake.  For instance, although I've added a few trinkets to my desk at work, I'm well aware that if I put up Christmas lights and streamers in my office, I'd likely be asked to take them down eventually.  Because the workplace is just one of those places where creativity, and standing out, is discouraged.

Unfortunately, I was reminded the other day that certain institutions work hard to teach you how to stifle your creativity.  I had a parent-teacher interview with Flower's teacher.  Now this is not my favourite time of year.  With Puck, this usually was an excuse for the teachers to highlight his shortcomings.  Given his recently diagnosed learning disability, this doesn't happen very much any more - we talk more about accommodations and learning plans.  But given my past experiences, it's still something I dread.  What if there's an issue?  Am I a bad parent?

Learning to Succeed - A Mother's Gift to her Children

It's so hard these days to decide which type of parent you want to be.  I want to supportive of my children.  Yet I want to give them the room they need to figure out who they are and grow.

Puck is a very cautious child.  Part and parcel of his learning disability is an irrepressible need not to fail.  Ever.  Even if it means not trying.  And it's hard to push him.  I want him to develop confidence and be comfortable.  And sometimes that might mean not trying.  But if he never tries anything, he'll never know he can do it and be confident.  So I encourage him to try.  Every time.  And be confident that he can try.  And be confident that if he falls, he can get back up and try again.

Avoiding Financial Pitfalls in a New Relationship

One of the failings of my first marriage was our approach (or rather lack thereof) to managing money.  I admit freely that I did not have a mature understanding of budgeting, and my ex, although he was much older than I, had learned to manage money by using his bank account until the money was gone, and then using the bank's money.

So, when my husband and I joined our two households, we were both very conscious of former relationships that hadn't worked out in part because of financial difficulties.  As we were exploring the idea of joining our two households, as a first step, I bought my husband the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach.  In the years after leaving my ex, I'd read a number of books about financial mangement including a number of books by David Bach, who has a very common sense approach to managing money.  I wanted to start my relationship with my new partner on a very strong foundation, and ensure that we were both working together with a common approach to financial management.

Many marriages fail because of inequities in income, failure to set and strive for common financial goals, lack of awareness of where the money goes, unequal division of financial chores.  Both of us had to some extent experienced those issues with former partners - and were determined not to enter our new relationship with the same old baggage.  Using some of the ideas David Bach suggests, we determined five simple ways to achieve that goal.  

Combating Mental Illness from the Outside

Mental illness is a terrible thing.  It wrecks families.  It destroys people.  And yet, there are ways to combat it.  Not only to treat it when it happens, but I hope, to prevent it before it does.

My children have inherited a genetic predispostion to mental illness.  My ex husband's brother and his uncle were both diagnosed schizophrenics.  My ex and his sister suffer from a host of both diagnosed and undiagnosed mental maladies including (diagnosed) generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder and likely (undiagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.  

I'm not a doctor.  I can only tell you what I've observed.  

Twitter has a new fan

I had a completely different blog prepared for today.  But I was inspired to write something different.

I'm so very new to the Twitter community.  I've been on Facebook for about five years, but my real exposure to Twitter started only a few weeks ago.  My Facebook years have allowed me to stay in touch with people I would not normally have had the opportunity to.  It's also given me entertainment and media bites about my favourite celebrities and TV shows, general news about my local community, funny and viral videos and more cat and baby pictures then I expect people should reasonably be exposed to.

How to Raise a Confident Daughter

Not so long ago, during the summer when Flower was two, she wanted to wear her bathing suit every day.  Not just to go outside in the sprinkler or the little paddle pool in the back.  Every day.  All day.  She would happily wear the suit even if it was covered in her lunch - little bits of bread, a smear of grape juice, and the distinct odour of little girl.  She had several bathing suits - but she had to wear the one that was a little bikini with pink flowers.  All day.  All night.  Every day and night.  And she got quite upset at the suggestion she should take it off - either to wash it, or because she'd been wearing it too long - or because we had to go somewhere that she couldn't wear it because it would be an unacceptable choice of clothing.  

Now of course, there were occasions when she had to wear something else - she couldn't wear a bikini to go shopping.  She couldn't wear it to her day care.   But more than once, I discovered that she'd put her clothes right over top of the bikini.  Like Supergirl - only she knew it was underneath and gave her super powers.