Building Strong Children

I love those little revalations that come with spending time with family.  I'm just back from a week's holiday in Canada - my mother, her dog, and my niece joined us.  My mom reminded me of a number of things that happened when I was a child.  And one little comment sent me spinning.  She suggested I had to feel a bit sorry for my father, because after his father died, he was the one who had to deal with his mother's anxieties and quirks.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have my own little anxieties and quirks.  But I was struck by the fact that my father had had to deal with his mother in that way, then I had to deal with his anxieites.  And when he was out of my life, I sought someone who had an even more complicated set of anxieties.  And I tried to fix them, because I couldn't fix my father - any more than he could fix his mother.  And somehow, any more than he could prevent himself from passing some from of those anxieties on to me.

A Divorced Mothers Worry: Do My Children Need Therapy?

It's a commonly held belief that all children of divorce need some psychological help. It's not always true - but as a divorced mom, it is something that I've thought about.

Read more - see my article at DivorcedMoms.com. 

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Are You Driving Your Own Bus?

I've lost focus.  

My therapist used to tell me an story intended to assist me in addressing my anxiety issues after my accident.  I related to it - not because of the accident, but because of my ex.

Imagine you're driving a bus.  You have a particular route and destination in mind, but you have to stop every once in a while and let people on and off the bus.  Then a guy gets on who stands right behind the yellow line.  You know - the one that you're not supposed to cross over if you're a passenger.  The new passenger is quite aggressive.  He's shouting directions in your ear.  Don't go that way.  Don't turn right.  You need to turn left.  Every turn, every direction - he's right in your ear.

So what do you do?  

The 100th Ten Things of Thankful / My Sunday Confession

The theme for this week's Sunday confession is "lost".  It's perfect for me this week - as I'm lost.  This week I "lost" my temper.  And as a result  I "lost" my way again.  I'm ever disappointed that I need to continually come back around to parenting the way I want to parent - and co-parenting with dignity and integrity and respect.  Because I lose my plot way to often.  And more often then not it causes more harm than it does good.  I don't see my way back from this one - and the only way I can see solving it without thousands of dollars in legal costs is going back to the parenting coordinator.  And my ex will view this as a win.  Which means that I've lost.

So I really need to think about the things I'm thankful for this week.  And as it's the 100th Ten Things of Thankful, instead of just ten things, I'm going to sit here and keep writing until I can think of 100 things that I am thankful for.

What a Week - Ten Things of Thankful #99

Well - it's been quite a week.  On Saturday, I was in yet another car accident.  I'm OK.  Bae (who was also in the car) is OK.  It wasn't my fault - the other driver was charged with careless driving at the scene, but our car was badly damaged - and his car was totaled.  I've just found out that we'll be four weeks without our car - but the insurance has kicked in, and we have a rental.

On Monday, for various reasons, I had to have an ultrasound.  I knew at the time that something was wrong (although the technician isn't allowed to provide the results) but had to wait until today for the results.  I was able to wheedle partial results from the secretary - it isn't a "mass", but they found a "small" fibroid cyst.  I have an appointment to figure out where I go from here next week.

5 Tips to Manage a Difficult Co-Parent

Marital breakdown typically means that the relationship and your ability to communicate and parent with your soon-to-be-ex is at least partly impaired.  With time, some co-parents are able to put those feelings aside, but there are cases where one parent becomes disengaged, emotionally combative, or starts sabotaging their parenting relationship.  In these relationships, one of the parents is usually able to keep level headed, and wants nothing more than to put the children’s best interests before anything else.

Image Credit (edited): “Upset Boy With Pictures Of Parents” by David Castillo Dominici

You can read more at the Access Legal blog today with my tips on managing a difficult co-parenting relationship.

And if you live in Maricopa County in Arizona - you can  use the resources at Access Legal to be come a Legal Ninja!

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My Journey to Motherhood

I had two miscarriages with my ex prior to my pregnancy with my eldest.  I spent a lot of the pregnancy trying to do things I hadn't done in the previous two.  I somehow got it into my head that I'd done something "wrong" that caused the miscarriages.  Logically, I was aware that one out of every three pregnancies just doesn't work out, but I still felt that there was some component of "luck" or something else I couldn't quite put my finger on...

Sometimes I Wonder

My son was just over two when I left, and my daughter wasn't even born yet. I knew at the time that it was the best thing - and I still do.  However, the problem with leaving a situation like that when your children are too young to have formed any lasting memories is they get ideas.

I'm very, very careful to keep them as far from the conflict between their father and I as possible.  They have very little exposure to any animosity between my ex and myself.  And as a consequence, they simply don't understand why we can't live together.

#1000Speak - Compassion for the Bully

Today’s #1000Speak post is supposed to be about bullying.  And more specifically, compassion for bullies. 

Yes, you’re probably thinking bullies are the worst people on the planet and don’t deserve our compassion.  

I suppose in some cases that's true.

Another Year Older...Another Lesson Learned

Flower is seven this year.  Like most seven year old girls, she's into dressing up and spending time with her friends.  As we've had "friend" parties the previous two years, we decided this year that she and I would do something fun together just the two of us.  We're going to an indoor skydiving facility - and we're both really looking forward to it.

It seems though that her father thinks that she needs to have a birthday party with her friends.  Something that is his right - and I absolutely support his right to be involved.

The Passive Aggressive Valentine

With the holiday approaching, I ventured out yesterday to pick up Valentine's cards for Hubs and the kids.  Despite not really appreciating the commercial element of the holiday, I still do that.  I always like the little extra attention as a kid.  The reminder that my parents loved me.  

OK...and the chocolate.  

I've always tried to get the kids an interesting gift.  Not a toy.  On year I got Puck a bird house for the back yard.  For Flower, an ornamental box for her jewellery.  Last year I got them a bird feeder and some seed.  I'm going to try to find some wooden yo-yo's for them this year.  (Yes, I do realize that this is a "toy" - but it will teach them dexterity - and a lot of kids don't have yo-yos).

With Hubs, this is just one more occasion to appreciate him.  And I do.  I take a lot of time to pick out just the right Valentine's card.  The one that's not too corny - but that tells him just how much I appreciate him.  And how special he makes me feel.  And how lucky the kids and I are to have him.

Letter to My Ex

This week, I was invited by Vicki Shemin, a Collaborative Attorney/Mediator/Therapist and Professor to participate in a survey about my divorce and write a letter to my ex (more info here) for inclusion in a book.  If you're recently divorced - I invite you to stop by and fill out the survey too.

My New Mission

I had an interesting thought the other night, as I sometime do (this is in between my regular night time discussion with myself about how weird it is that we have a room in all of our homes that we enter with the specific purpose of becoming unconscious for 6-8 hours every night.  Isn't it weird?  We are completely vulnerable - I don't know how any of us sleep.

But enough about my nighttime insomniac ramblings - I've digressed.

As you're all aware, I've tried my best to maintain a cooperative relationship with my ex - but the professionals we've been involved with have helped us to develop a parenting plan which minimizes our exposure to each other as much as possible.  Given my ex tries to ramp up the conflict at every meeting - it's better for both of us and for the children if we don't see each other.

Codependency and Enabling Behavior Doesn't End with Divorce

When I was married to my ex, for my own survival, it was sometimes necessary to "bend" the truth. I'm not proud of it - I don't condone lying in my home and I try to promote honesty in my children. However - sometimes - to avoid an inevitable reaction from my ex and protect myself, I would lie or conceal the truth.

If he was working I a weekend, I either wouldn't make plans until after he left, or I wouldn't tell him about them. Not that I was doing anything that merited any interest. Usually it was just shopping or heading up to my mom's.

He'd ask about ingredients in our son's food.  Not from an educated - this is bad for my son standpoint, but from an OCD, panic, I read this in an online magazine standpoint.  I would lie about the ingredients to placate him.  Or I'd feed our son the stuff he was worried about when he wasn't home.

All coping behaviors.  Designed to protect myself (and our son) from increasing amounts of bullying.  If I didn't - I would face an onslaught of yelling and demeaning remarks.

Tips on Email Communication from the Goblin King

It's been a rough week - and I don't have a ton of time to write a blog post for this week (sorry guys!!)

Wanted  you all to know that I've just received a tip from the Goblin King as to how I should write my e-mails to him (note - this is an exact quote cut and paste from his e-mail):

"Next time you provide such a email pretend you are describing this too the stupidest person in the world..."

I want it noted that his e-mail was in response to a description of the homework assignment for our six-year-old daughter.  I used the smallest words I could possibly use - because I was very well aware that the homework of a six-year-old may be a bit beyond his capabilities.

And now I'm trying very, very hard not to suggest to him that my default format for writing e-mails is just as he describes - except I'm not pretending.

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Sunday Confession: This Blog is My Space

One of my favorite bloggers at More Than Cheese and Beer has several regular features.  Every Friday, I read her Friday Feats and Fails and say darn it, this Friday, yet again, I didn't join in the fun. At More than Cheese and Beer, the fails always come first. The things she isn't so proud of doing this week.  Then she posts her feats.  An incredible list of amazing things that totally makes up for the activities in the first part of her blog.

My fail this week?  It's Sunday, not Friday.   

But my feat?  It's the day for Sunday Confessions.  And of the two, although I enjoy cheese and beer on Fridays - I LOVE it on Sundays.

This week's Sunday Confession writing prompt is:  SPACE.

Co-Parenting with a Bully

I've been feeling very frustrated and “stuck” for the last couple of months.  I think it’s the Christmas kerfuffle that did it to me.  I feel like I’m constantly fighting.  

Let's be clear - my ex is a bully.  Plain and simple.  He's very insecure and tries to assert himself in the only way he knows how - by making everything a power struggle.

I consciously try not to engage.  But he draws me in over and over again.  He won't let things go, and he will not stop until I concede.  And I won't.  I can't.  

But I’m spent.  It’s like there’s a never-ending war and I’m stuck right in the middle.  I'm always working to keep the children out of it.  To allow them an innocence.  To let them enjoy their childhood.  

My Mom's Divorce Diary

My parents divorced when I was fourteen.  I must admit - I was completely surprised - even though I lived in the house at the time.  My younger sister had a little more awareness.  I suspect it has something to do with entering the teenage years and the world revolving around me...

We didn't know a lot of people who were divorced.  There was a boy in my school who's parents had gotten divorced.  I remember the other kids didn't know how to deal with it.  There were a lot of whispers about him.  

And really - I thought my parents were happy.  It wasn't until I divorced that I talked to my mom about it.  She'd been unhappy for quite some time.  Kept a suitcase in her car for months.  And I had no idea.  We lived together.  And I had no idea.

Since My Divorce...

You'll recall my post about my favorite Divorce Resources a few months back included one of my favorites - Since My Divorce with Divorce Coach Mandy Walker.  

She's a pretty amazing woman who has developed the online coaching program "My Divorce Pal" as a result of her own experiences with divorce and co-parenting after divorce.  At Since My Divorce, she's explored the Divorce Journeys of others - and weaves her own journey into the commentary at the end of each post.  She's written about facing her own fears about divorce and learning to trust herself again.

The Nightmare BEFORE Christmas: Holiday Planning After Divorce

When my ex and I first divorced, I knew the big holidays were going to be a problem.  Easter.  Christmas.  Thanksgiving.  All of them. So, in an attempt to avoid those issues, we came up with a specific agreement that should have answered all of our problems. Turns out, not so much.

Read more in my article today at DivorcedMoms.com.

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