I've been feeling very frustrated and “stuck” for the last
couple of months. I think it’s the
Christmas kerfuffle that did it to me. I
feel like I’m constantly fighting.
Let's be clear - my ex is a bully. Plain and simple. He's very insecure and tries to assert himself in the only way he knows how - by making everything a power struggle.
I consciously try not to engage. But he draws me in over and over again. He won't let things go, and he will not stop until I concede. And I won't. I can't.
But I’m spent. It’s like there’s a never-ending war and I’m stuck right in the middle. I'm always working to keep the children out of it. To allow them an innocence. To let them enjoy their childhood.
Let's be clear - my ex is a bully. Plain and simple. He's very insecure and tries to assert himself in the only way he knows how - by making everything a power struggle.
I consciously try not to engage. But he draws me in over and over again. He won't let things go, and he will not stop until I concede. And I won't. I can't.
But I’m spent. It’s like there’s a never-ending war and I’m stuck right in the middle. I'm always working to keep the children out of it. To allow them an innocence. To let them enjoy their childhood.
I'm getting to the point though, where I've even given up on making
excuses for him. In the past, I've always tried to play fair
with the children’s caregivers and I've been cautious about what I've said
about my ex and this whole mess.
Note: I don't want to call it a relationship. If I call it anything - I should call it a mess.
Tweet it!Whenever a new caregiver, teacher, physician, whatever has come into the children’s lives, I've been very careful about what I've said because I didn't want to color their judgement of the children’s father. I don’t think it’s constructive to expect them to take sides. They should be able to come to their own opinion about him without my interference. It usually doesn't take very long.
There are cases though, like one this week, where they’re
already there. They've spent enough time
with him that they've come to their own opinion. I always make sure that I'm out of the children’s ear shot – but I heard myself saying to one of the kids
caregivers about my ex this week “I’m sorry. I’m not
going to make any excuses. He’s a bully.”
I said this to a woman who’s been caring for the children
after school for the last three years. I
think she was a little shocked by the fact that I said it so blatantly – but she
did not disagree. Not only that, but as the veil was down, she opened up to me.
I think my relationship with this particular caregiver was actually strengthened by my exasperated utterance. I think in that moment she came to understand that while she has to deal with him twice a week after school – I have to deal with him almost every day. I'm getting better at boundaries - but I have to assert myself against this bully all the time. And she now has a bit more sympathy for me and for the children.
I think my relationship with this particular caregiver was actually strengthened by my exasperated utterance. I think in that moment she came to understand that while she has to deal with him twice a week after school – I have to deal with him almost every day. I'm getting better at boundaries - but I have to assert myself against this bully all the time. And she now has a bit more sympathy for me and for the children.
Sadly, she’s not the only one. I've had similar conversations with the
children’s primary care physician. She’s
commiserated with me related to the fact that the children’s father makes up
his mind about particular medical issues in his head – and despite his lack of
medical degree and all other evidence to the contrary – he tries to bully her into agreeing with him. She’s shown him the
x-rays of Puck’s arm after the accident.
He’s still convinced that it was broken.
Her staff calls me now when he tries to make an appointment. They make sure that I’m given the opportunity
to provide any information that might be relevant. He rarely provides all the information they
need to make an accurate diagnosis - as he's already decided what the problem is and what course of action is required. He goes to convince the doctor that he's right. The office even has a special protocol for when he calls the office. He’s always routed to the same staff member - one who won't take his crap.
And it’s not just the after care and the doctor. At the children’s school, they've assigned
the Vice Principal to be the point of contact for him related to all his “concerns”. I understand he’s in her office almost once a week
with a new “concern”.
He used to come right into the school hallway to pick up the kids. If he saw the teacher and felt he needed to, my ex would bully the teacher in front of the class right in the hallway. After one incident, they put a protocol in place that prohibited ALL parents from entering the school hallways. I haven’t been told specifically that this happened – but the protocol went into place just after I learned about an incident between him and the teacher. It’s not a coincidence. Now everyone has to go through the office. No exceptions.
He used to come right into the school hallway to pick up the kids. If he saw the teacher and felt he needed to, my ex would bully the teacher in front of the class right in the hallway. After one incident, they put a protocol in place that prohibited ALL parents from entering the school hallways. I haven’t been told specifically that this happened – but the protocol went into place just after I learned about an incident between him and the teacher. It’s not a coincidence. Now everyone has to go through the office. No exceptions.
When we do Puck’s IEP review – after some initial resistance from the staff to try and have the meeting with both of us at the same time – they've started arranging separate meetings for us. Just so they don't have to deal with the "mess". The meeting
with Puck’s father is always held in the presence of senior staff – either the
Principal or Vice Principal. They don’t
bother with the formality with my meeting – but they do for him. I’m not sure if they feel they need a
witness, or they’re there to protect the staff.
Given my experiences, it may be both.
I'm very lucky to know that these people who are involved with
the children’s care are more concerned about the children then they are about
the "mess".
The after care, the school, the children’s doctors – they’re all working to shield
the children from the unnecessary battles he creates.
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