Like me, my husband married his ex-wife when he wasn't fully cooked. He'd had a LOT more experience than I ever had in the area of romance. He married a woman who is incredibly intelligent, talented and beautiful. A lot, you'd think, for me, his second wife (and third significant relationship) to live up to.
But despite the fact that she is an incredible, well-travelled, and all around smart woman, I am not concerned when my husband sends her e-mails asking for advice or offering it, or spends a couple of hours a month talking to her on the phone. I am unconcerned that they go out of their way to have coffee or lunch together if they happen to be in the city at the same time. Even though he tells me how incredibly smart she is all the time. Even though I've never actually met her.
You'd think that this woman would be the ultimate threat to me. His first "love". The woman he asked to marry. A woman who I, myself, admire.
But I'm not threatened by her. I'm not in any way concerned that my husband will strike up an affair or rekindle the romance that he once had with her.
But I am jealous. I'm incredibly jealous of the fact that she has an ex-husband who, to this day, she can share her hopes and dreams with. Someone who, to this day, wishes her nothing but the best. I'm incredibly jealous that she has an ex who she can discuss the day to day with - including her relationship with her current beau. And I'm super jealous that even though their relationship didn't work out, my husband still encourages her to reach for the stars.
Because I don't have that type of relationship with my ex. Not that I really want to have that type of relationship with him. I never did have that type of relationship with him. And I never will. Truthfully, but for the kids, I would have walked away and never spoken to him again. And, if I'm really honest with myself, if I could have gotten away with it, I might have done it in spite of the kids. Because they might be better off.
My ex has dated probably a whole host of women since we split up over six years ago. Not one of them has stuck. There was one who was in the picture for over a month or so (depending on who you ask...he says it was over six months). He was convinced she was "the one".
He even brought her to one of our parenting coordination sessions with the intention of "introducing" her to me before he "introduced" her to the kids. He brought it up after a particularly difficult discussion in which he lied and disagreed and was his usual self in general. My tongue had bite marks from all the things I didn't say that day.
He wanted to bring her into the session. So she could get my approval. Apparently he thought that's what we should do. He suggested to the parenting coordinator that's what we had agreed to do (I apparently missed that conversation - as it went on entirely in his head).
The parenting coordinator (a very smart woman) decided that ambushing me with his newest romance was probably not the best idea and I didn't have the pleasure of meeting her that day.
But in that session, my ex suggested that new girl's ex had a great relationship with her. They talked about their kid. They were cordial. They had conversations about life. And together, they worked in the best interest of their daughter. Apparently she was confused about why we couldn't do that. And my ex was incredulous too. Confused. How could they have that type of relationship after divorce? Why couldn't we?
My jaw dropped at the suggestion. It was like he hadn't been in the room for the past hour, and hadn't heard the lies, the discordance and the disrespect coming out of his mouth.
I think even the parenting coordinator was laughing internally at that one.
Either way, shortly after that session, the new woman faded into the background.
I suspect, even though my ex still hasn't figured it out, the new woman now knows why my ex and I couldn't have a relationship like she does with her ex.
And that, my friends, is why I'm jealous of my husband's ex wife.
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