New day, new rant. This one may potentially alienate some of my readers. I can't say I'm sorry if it does - if you're offended by this, you're not my type of people anyway.
My cousin, we'll call him Ray, separated from his wife and after about nine months, met a new woman. Which is great for him. The separation wasn't his idea, and it hit him hard. He tried very hard to get her to come back. But it wasn't working. For her or for him. I think he's come to terms with it now. They had a child together - and they're working fairly amicably together to co-parent him.
I have to say, I love Ray's ex. A spunky, cute redhead - who I suspect married way too young to her first love, had a child within a year, and got overwhelmed with everything. And she's moved on too - and seems to be on the road to figuring everything out (we keep in touch).
The new lady in Ray's life seemed like a nice enough person, when I met her. I suspect she has some co-dependency issues, but - it's not my relationship to live out, it's his. I don't begrudge him that. She brought a baby into the relationship - her son turned one last September. He didn't have a dad, and I don't know the story there. He's a cute little mite, who I've come to understand spent a lot of time in hospital after he was born prematurely. Ray has "adopted" him and treats him as his own. His mom didn't seem incredibly maternal, each time I've observed her, she's relied more on other people to watch him then keeping an eye herself. But it could have just been the situation - we have a big family, and she's trying to meet us all and get to know us. There have just been a few places I've seen her and not for an incredibly long time. And she's comfortable with my aunt and uncle and Ray's brother and sister-in-law watching the little guy.
Six months into their relationship, Ray's new love got pregnant. She's due in July. I don't know whether either of them planned it, but clearly they both think it solidifies their relationship and brings them closer together. Bully for them.
Here's the crux of it. She smokes. Heavily. While pregnant. He does too.
And I'm horrified.
WebMD.com lists all of the possible defects that smoking during pregnancy can cause:
"Maternal smoking was associated with a 27% excess risk of gastrointestinal abnormalities, including problems with the throat, esophagus, colon, intestine, bile ducts, gall bladder, and liver. Additionally, infants born to smokers had 50% higher odds of being born with their intestines hanging outside the body and a 20% increased risk of being born with a blocked or closed anus.Smoking accounted for a 9% increased risk of heart defects and a 13% higher risk that baby boys would be born with undescended testes."
To be clear - that 50% increased risk? Yep. First son born with intestines outside his body. Yes, you read that right. She smoked, her first son was born premature as a result, and he was born with his intestines outside his body. Because she smoked.
Let's talk about odds...according to the interwebs:
The odds that you'll die in a plane crash? One in 11 million.
The odds that you might die — during an average lifetime — of flesh-eating disease are 1 in one million.
Your odds of being killed in a terrorist attack while travelling are 1 in 650,000.
Even the odds that you'll be killed by lightning are only 1 in 56,439.
Odds that you'll die in a car crash? 1 in 303.
The odds that if this woman continues smoking she'll have a second child who is born with their insides on the outside? ONE IN TWO. That's right. ONE IN TWO. Wrap your head around that. And I don't know anything about medicine, but I have to wonder if the odds are increased if you've already had a child born with this condition and you're still smoking.
Don't get me wrong. I understand that smoking is addictive. I understand that it's hard to quit. Especially if your significant other won't quit. And I can see not quitting the first time because it's too hard, or because you're worried that the stress will be too much for the baby, or for a million other reasons. I don't condone it, I think it's a travesty with all the information out there. But I understand that everyone makes mistakes. The first time. That was a mistake.
But they put the nasty pictures and the warnings on cigarette packages for a reason. There have been studies done. There is a significant amount of anecdotal evidence of what cigarettes can do to your unborn baby. And to top it all off - this woman has actually been a WITNESS to what it can do. This is not her first baby. This is the second child that she's smoked through her pregnancy with. Sure - her little guy is happy and reasonably healthy now. But he's got asthma. He was born premature. He's going to have health problems for the rest of his life. And she's still smoking with baby number two on the way.
I think I'm particularly galled by it because prior to the birth of Puck and Flower, I had two miscarriages. And after each of those pregnancies, I did the next one a completely different way. I was so afraid that I was going to do something wrong, I avoided second hand smoke, alcohol, sushi and uncooked meat, hot baths, jacuzzis, unclean toilets, and I washed my hands excessively. I exercised. Not more, but not less. I drank more water. And with all the morning sickness (six whole months with Flower), I forced myself to eat anyway. Even when it made me sick. I took the prenatal vitamins and extra iron too. Even though that made me sicker. Because it DECREASED the chances of having a baby with some type of problem. I got migraines and didn't take migraine medication - even though there was no conclusive proof that it causes birth defects. Just because it wasn't recommended. Because there haven't been enough studies done. Just in case.
And when it came time to try for baby number three with husband number two, we had difficulty. We needed help to get pregnant. It took us a year and a half. And I was extra careful with that pregnancy too.
And when it came time to try for baby number three with husband number two, we had difficulty. We needed help to get pregnant. It took us a year and a half. And I was extra careful with that pregnancy too.
Because that's instinct. Isn't it? To do your best for your child. To try. Because you're a mother when you get pregnant. Whether the pregnancy gets to the end or not. You're a mom. And it's your job to take care of your body - because that's the baby's room, food dispenser and toilet. It's not as if she can leave the room while you have a smoke and send toxic chemicals into her room and into her body. For nine whole months.
I wish I could say this to her: It's your JOB to take care of her. And you're failing. Not because of ignorance. You know what can happen. Because you're too into yourself to take care of your child.
So, there's a birthday party for my cousin's son coming up in two weeks. I'd love for my children to go - they enjoy spending time with him, even though he's a bit younger. But I can't. Because I am so saddened by what she's doing to herself and to her child. I don't want to be a witness to it. I feel like by not saying anything I'm condoing it. And I'm not absolutely certain I can control my tongue.
So I'll avoid the occasion, send a gift. Most of all, I'll be sitting here hoping that it all works out. For the baby's sake. Because clearly, even if she makes it into this world in full health, she's going to have problems. Her parents are idiots.
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